Ether looked into the abyssal gap between the building’s roof and the asphalt pavement. She tried to regain courage, drain some forces in the hope that all would end very soon. Her suffering, her pain, all of it gone in the blink of an eye. She tried to imagine the complete absence of feelings, no emotions, no guilt, no hole in her heart, no slow consumation of her soul, and no thoughts. But this was too abstract for her, how could anyone reach this nirvana when her brain was constantly flooded with informations. She remembered this documentary of budhist monks trying to reach this state of complete neutrality, maybe this was the one true solution, leaving this urban monster and exiling herself in the mountains with the monks. No. This, what she was about to do, was the real answer. She grabbed her phone from her pocket, and dialed the only number in her contacts. She knew what she was going to say, her allusive speech had been repeating itself in her mind over and over.
‘Ether, is that you ? Are you okay?’ said a soft voice through the phone.
This voice, it belonged to her beloved brother. The only person in this whole universe that had loved her for who she was, who knew her better than she did herself. She had to start talking now, before getting overwhelmed with emotions. She knew he would not get her phisophical and obscure babbling, but she had to say it anyway. She closed her eyes, ready to speak.
‘Ether ?’ the voice repeated.
‘There are fires that one cannot extinguish. Fervent passions that burn for eternity and that one can only fan. The world carries within its survival instincts, an obsession to rise from the ashes, like a phoenix. There are thoughts that consume their thinkers, and dark secrets that torment men’s hearts. But of all these evils, I am looking for the one that drives me. Maybe all and none of them at the same time, maybe my heart beating with yours in unison keeps pulsing so that you can survive. And if so, I wish to live a thousand times in darkness and decadence so long as you shine in divine light. I have wished desperately for our days never to end, I would have given my soul for you not to give up on me. I would have doomed myself to shelter your life in the palms of my hand. I have never hoped anything else but to spend a peaceful existence at your side, as the Byblis that I would never have been. But is that certain ? It is a platonic love that livens me up, rife, powerful and destructive. It rips off cries of despair from my soul and oh so many ‘alas!’ taken away by the wind in a breath whispering your name. These pieces of us sailing in the sky have met god’s nephilims, and in my dreams I prey for them to get what I could never have. And if I know my hopes to be vain, I have the fervour to believe yours are not, and although they hurt me, they rejoice me as much as they sadden me. The miserable child that I am and the happy adult that I was are both full of a passionate lunacy that has been growing for a couple of decades, and which revives my sweet childhood souvenirs. I remember your imposing and protective figure, your warm hand and your arms still embrassing me in a crack of my memory where a few echos of your voice float casually. I can still see, closing my eyes, the corners of your mouth stretching into an amused smile, and your laughing and loving eyes squinting with happiness. I can feel your breath, shrouding me in this safe place where I find shelter if ever I am in need of comfort. And then, I shut my conscience down and I plunge into these memories of our younger selves living inside of my head since the dawn of time and for ever. I avidly search for some pieces of us lost in the shadows of my brain, that even the cockroaches of madness could not dislodge from their golden cradles. Oh, how I cherish these images, these sounds that relates to you and keep me alive, I love them, these sweet delusions. Sometimes, I imagine what our lives would have been if we were to stay united, and I let my mind drift away to childish fantasies in which you keep looking after me forever.’ she said with a quiet, soft voice.
She had made her point, now was the time to say goodbye.
‘But I know this can’t be. It is all they are, fantasies, dreams, never to be true. There is no one but you in my whole world, and believe me Elijah, it’s not something I have wished for. This is just a fact, simple and clear. I have no one, I never had. You were the sole soul that bore mine. I can’t keep living like this, in a universe that does not understand me. I feel I have never talked more clearly in my entire life. I’m so sorry Elijah, for these years we never had, for the ones I so cruelly miss, and for my behavior in doing so. I am sorry for being who I am. You made my childhood such a great time you know, I had no one else but you, yes, but you were the only one my world ever needed at that time. But now, without you around me, my life has become so much darker. I am an empty shell. And now it’s time for me to say my farewells. Goodbye, Elijah.
She opened her eyes. She then took a step. She was over.